We were celebrating my friend’s birthday at a local lounge- it was a Wednesday which was karaoke night. We gathered around the bar laughing, sipping wine and dancing along to the music. Several televisions were suspended over the bar and guys had their eyes glued to the NBA Finals. No one even noticed that ladies were present or offered up their seat. I tapped a handsome gentleman with beautiful brown skin and salt and pepper hair on his shoulder, he turned to gaze at me with eyes the color of a caramel.
“Do you mind giving up your seat for a lady whose feet are tired of standing in these heels?”
Slowly, he assessed me from head to toe as a smile made its way across his face. I looked away and pretended not to notice.
“Of course. But, only if you allow me to buy you a drink,” he said as he rose from his seat.
As I slid into the barstool, I could feel the heat he left.
“Sure. I am drinking Pinot Noir. My friend is, too.”
He let out a soft chuckle, and signaled the waitress.
“Two Pinot Noirs for the lady, put it on my tab.”
He turned to me, ” I am going to step away for a moment will you be here when I get back?”
The place was packed and it was hard to move around without bumping into someone. I swayed to the music in my seat and signaled for my friend to get her drink. I assessed myself in the mirror behind the bar- I was dressed simply in a rose-colored button-down blouse with a simple strand of pearls around my neck, skinny jeans and a pair of pumps completed my look. Even in this simple outfit, I stood out among the women in their joggers and tennis shoes.
A petite woman with a huge camera draped around her neck approached me and said that she’d been instructed to take my photo.
“Really?”, I asked. “Who sent you?”
“He told me not to tell you.”
I posed for the picture and went back to my dancing. When she returned with the photo I asked again, “Who asked you to take the picture? I want to tell him thank you.”
She nodded her head toward a handsome distinguished older gentleman seated across from a woman a few tables away. I smiled, “Wow”, I thought. “Well, that is kind of rude to pull that stunt while he’s on a date.” I still wanted to thank him, because I had to admit I was impressed with his attempt to get my attention. I was definitely intrigued.
I got my chance a few moments later when the woman he was sitting with got up to go to the bathroom. Nervously, I walked over and introduced myself. “Hey there, I am Arnitris. Thank you for my picture.”
“Hey, beautiful. I’m Derrick. She wasn’t supposed to tell you who sent her”, he said with a smile. “She brought the picture to me first and I told her I am not a stalker. Give it to the pretty lady. I just wanted you to have a picture to remember this night. You seem to be having so much fun.”
“I am. We are celebrating my girl’s birthday. Thank you again. Let me leave before you date comes back.” I turn to walk away.
” She’s not my date, she is a friend of mine. We are in a card club together.”
“Oh, wow,” I replied. I hope that I was doing a good job of containing my pleasure at receiving that information.
“I have tickets to a comedy show tomorrow. I would love for you to go with me.”
“That sounds like fun. I’d love to.” We exchanged phone numbers and said goodnight.
The next morning he called to say that the tickets were to see Mike Epps and the Phillips Arena. I was impressed, I was expecting to go to a small comedy show. We made plans to meet later that evening and I settled in to get my day started.
I didn’t have many expectations for the seats for this show. As long as I was able to see and hear, I would be happy. We had drinks and appetizers in the Korean fusion restaurant before the show started and then he led the way to the our seats. He was slightly ahead of me, but reached back for my hand. I noticed that we were taking the elevators to the suites. Now, I was really impressed. We entered the suite walking past the private chef and bartender and claimed our seats.
“Now, this is how you treat a lady.”
The comedy show passed pretty uneventfully and he suggested that we go to an after hours spot. The spot was filled with older gentleman in their Sunday’s best. The music was way too loud and I was visibly uncomfortable. We stayed for an hour or so, talking and we even danced a couple of times. By the time we left, my head was pounding. He noticed me rubbing my temples and asked if I was okay. I told him that I’d gotten a headache. He looked concerned and pulled into a gas station and asked what I needed to take. I asked for a Goody powder and a bottle of water.
The conversation between us flowed very nicely. It felt as if I’d known him forever. Before we ended the night, he mentioned that he had tickets for a play the next afternoon. I didn’t have anything planned so I agreed to go. We spent time together every day that weekend- even having lunch with his sister and her husband. What followed was three months of bliss. We fell into a routine of morning texts, mid-day texts, and goodnight calls. We saw each other several times a week. And just as quickly as it began, it ended.
It was late afternoon by the time I realized I hadn’t heard from him. I contributed it to his busy schedule with his teenage boys. But, then as I got ready for bed I didn’t get a good night call either. One day turned into two and two days turned into two weeks. In that time, I’d texted a couple of times but never got a response. That was over two years ago.
Ghosting. If you are navigating the dating scene, chances are you have experienced it. Urban dictionary defines it as when a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they’re dating, with zero warning or notice beforehand.
This phenomenon is happening more and more frequently – but, women aren’t the only victims. Women are sometimes the ones who do the ghosting. When this happens it is hard to understand and to even move forward. Here are a few tips to get over being ghosted.
- Be okay with never knowing why. As hard as it may be, chances are you will never know why you were ghosted.
- Match their efforts- when they move you move, (just like that). Did you read that in your Ludacris voice? It is important to maintain the balance in your relationships. When you sense the other person pulling away, allow them the space to navigate whatever they are feeling. If they call, you call, if they don’t you don’t. If they make plans to see you, you make yourself available – in the meantime keep yourself busy doing other things.
- Keep space open for them to explain. It is entirely likely that the person who ghosted you will re-emerge with an explanation. Giving them the space to do that may give you closure. But, it is entirely up to you whether you want to pick up where you left off or not.
Have you been ghosted recently? Maybe you are easing yourself back into the dating scene? Does the thought of cuffing season frighten you? I invite you to join me for the Blessed Cuffing Season Challenge to give you some tips to re-define cuffing season so that you are cuffing for a reason, not the season.